Trauma
by miss-suga13
Summary: He wants to plant a bullet in his head and be like her." Ryan hits rock bottom.


Ok. So, uh, this is a one shot, so I guess I'm _not_ one shot intolerant. I wrote it because of **ausgezeichnet**, who made me cry in the Ryan thread and **Walter**, who gave CPR to said Ryan thread and thus permitted the above mentioned **ausgezeichnet **to write a post worthy of a Cryin' Ryan award. Journey will be delayed because I accidentally deleted it, and therefore have to rewrite it, and I have writers block so Back to Hell might not be up anytime soon. So this'll have to do. I know, I know, it's not that great, but whatever.

**Trauma**

**Summary:** He wants to plant a bullet in his head and be like her. Set post finale in Ryan's POV.

**Rating:** PG13 for some violent references and talk of suicide.

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He keeps a gun in the bathroom.

It's tucked away in a rotted hole near the corner of the far left wall. Ryan suspects that when the baby' born, he'll sell it.

If he lives that long.

The first time he finds it, he looks at it in disgust, but he puts it back where it was.

He goes out and buys one bullet, and he stuffs it in the gun. He hides in the bathroom when he finds out.

Eva Ramirez. Cause of death: massive head trauma.

They way they put it on paper makes him sick. She died a painful death in that car on the highway, and that's all it says.

Eva Ramirez. Cause of death: massive head trauma.

He wants to plant a bullet in his head and be like her.

The first time the gun touches his temple, he pulls away in fear.

But it intrigues him.

He starts working, but his thoughts wander back to the gun jammed inside a hole near the corner of the far left wall.

He doesn't know when he starts hating the Cohens, but he knows that he does.

They're perfect. Rich. Happy.

They love him.

He wants to love them, but he knows it will make him want to sell the gun. So instead, he hates them.

The second time he holds the gun to his head, he barely trembles. The cold metal envelops him and he likes the feeling of absolute control.

He only buys one bullet because he likes to think that he would do it right the first time.

The third time the gun touches his temple, he decides that he has to live. He knows why.

There are a million reasons for him to live, but only one to die.

He's not good enough.

The fourth time the gun touches his head, he thinks that one reason is enough. He wants to feel the bullet rip through to the other side.

He wants to be emptied of his own blood.

And then Theresa asks him if he's alright, and he snaps. He screams at her to leave him alone and she's silent.

Later, he comes out and kisses her and tells her he's sorry. He doesn't mean it.

The fifth time the gun touches his head, he feeds off of it's coldness and decides that what he had with Marissa wasn't love.

The gun loves him.

Later, when Theresa gets mad and screams, he slams his fist into the wall, and it feels the same as when he touches the gun that's placed in a hole near the corner of the far left wall.

So he takes his pocket knife out in the bathroom and slices into his skin.

But it doesn't feel the same.

The gun doesn't mind that it was almost replaced. It's still waiting for him in the merciful hole near the corner of the far left wall.

He tells Theresa he's sorry, and this time he means it. He's sure she has it worse than he does.

Her mother just died and now she really does have no one.

Ryan doesn't count as someone.

He's dead too.

Theresa has it worse than him, and yet he doesn't see her hold a gun to her head and pray she has the strength to press the trigger everyday.

The last time he holds the beautiful gun to his head, he decides that no baby is safe with him or his gun.

His mother used to read him stories where princesses married princes, but she'd change the ending so that the prince would die, but with the one he loved.

So Ryan is living out the fairy tale.

He'll die with his gun.

He's almost excited when he releases the safety. He's never gotten this far before.

He doesn't want to write a note. That's corny. Instead, he takes a sharpie from one of the cupboards and writes 'I'm sorry' on the mirror.

He stands in front of the mirror and looks at himself.

He wants to see himself die.

He holds the gun against his temple and says a silent prayer as the words 'I'm sorry' stand strong in front of his eyes.

He doesn't want to close his eyes. He's better than that.

Theresa knocks on the door and calls his name, and he lets out a shaky breath and remembers.

He's leaving her poor and alone in her dead mother's house because he's a pussy.

He doesn't yell, and he asks her what she wants.

She says he has a visitor. Sandy Cohen.

Sandy knocks on the door. Calls him kid. Says Theresa found a cut on his arm and a cut on his stomach and she called him for help.

Sandy doesn't understand.

He's not a kid, and the cuts were a mistake, and he tells him so.

He tells him the truth.

He says the gun's the only thing he has left. He tells him he wants to feel the metal digging through his body.

He wants to die.

Now he can hear Sandy pounding on the door. He hears him talk about second chances, and he faintly hears tears fall down as he screams that he's sorry. He shouldn't be, thinks Ryan.

He's the one who has it written in front of him.

But he knows he can't do it now. Not with Sandy pounding so loudly on the door.

He looks at the tile over the torturous hole near the corner of the far left wall, and he points his hateful gun at it, and he shoots it.

Because it's the one who put him through this.

Now he can hear desperate screams from Sandy as Theresa says something about the police.

And he falls in pieces on the ground with his gun, as Sandy's incomprehensible screams get louder and louder, and the thumping on the door increases, and he rests his head on the cool linoleum floor, and it feels better than the gun.

With a sickening thump Sandy breaks through the door, and he falls on the ground next to Ryan.

And he cries and prays for Ryan to be alive, and he hugs him when he sees that he is. He sways him from side to side, and Ryan lets himself be swayed.

He looks at the gun and shivers, and Sandy holds him tighter.

He says something about love and son and sorry and help, but Ryan doesn't hear it because he's looking at the gun.

Suddenly, it disgusts him, and he goes limp in Sandy's arms.

Because a part of him died.

Ryan doesn't care what happens next, because he lived out the fairy tale.

A part of his soul died. And he doesn't need that part anyways.

Not when he has Sandy to hold him tight.

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Yeah, I know, it's kind of stupid, but I wrote it a eleven last night, so I don't care. So, thank you for the inspiration Walter and ausgezeichnet, and also to the Ryan thread at TwoP, because this never would have come into my head without it and its wonderful Cryin' Ryan awards. So tell me what you think!


End file.
